Yesterday I cried...

Anyone who knows me, knows that it's really hard to get me down...

Yesterday was a really tough day...

Yesterday was our daughter's 1st birthday. She is in China. I am here. But that's just the beginning of it.

I realized yesterday, that I'm not quite sure how I'm going to do this without my mother by my side. Mom died 6 years ago. The anniversary of her death will be two days after I meet my daughter for the 1st time...

I have no idea how to be a mother. Many years ago, when we started the adoption process, I was sure I was ready. My youthful, naive overconfidence was, for once, useful. We had a private adoption that fell through at the last minute, 5 1/2 years ago. I felt ready to be a mom then. So what happened?

Time, I guess... Time is what happened. Not the time that has elapsed between 5 1/2 years ago and now. No. The time we have to wait before we get to meet our daughters. We got our referral January 9th and we leave for China on March 4th. That's 2 long months. We started counting down to our departure date 40 days ago, when there were 49 days left. There are now 9 days left.

And between feelings of "Oh my goodness, I wish the time would just pass, already!", there are way too many times of "Oh my goodness, how will I get this all done?"

There are differences in the way Craig and I are dealing with this too. He can't wait to just be back home and start our life with our new daughter. I can't wait to leave home and start on the journey to China. I look forward to being around the other families in our travel group and having people here to whom we can ask questions if we need to. I look forward to being in Ottawa after we return from China, where my father and stepmother and Craig's parents will be there if we need them. And somehow, even though I know they'll only be a phone call away, and that my mom, even if she was still with us, would be be in Ottawa too, I have trouble getting excited about coming home with our daughter because we don't have family here.

It's ridiculous, really. Because we have so many very, VERY good friends here, and I know there will be help if I need it.

But it's not the same.

I want my mom.

I miss her.

I need her.

I want her back....

I can't wait to meet my daughter. I can't wait to see her face and hold her in my arms. I can't wait to watch her play, and eat and sleep.

She is so beautiful, and so precious to me. I am terrified of not being he best mother in the world to her.

But I have learned, fro my mother, that you don,t need to be the best mother in the world. You need to be the best mother in your child's world.

And I vow to be her everything. I will swim across a stormy ocean and walk through fire to be there for her, protect her, provide for her and make sure she becomes everything she has the potential to be. I will be her parent, and her friend but respect the appropriate boundaries between the two. I will discipline her reasonably and be there for her when she needs me. I will walk beside her as long as she needs me to and then, I will follow quietly behind. I will love her more than I ever thought possible and I will tell her how wonderful her grandmother Anne was. I will listen to my instincts and take the guidance I know my mother will provide from the heavens above. I will hold my daughter's hand when she crosses the street, but also when she is sick, sad, tired, or mad. I will love her when she's angry, and I will cry when she says she's unhappy. When she is hurt, I will do whatever necessary to help her heal. When her heart gets broken, I will sit with her and weep over a shared container of Hagen Daaz Ice Cream. And when she is happy, I will Jubilate. When she succeeds, I will cheer. When she falls in love, my heart will skip a beat. And when she tells her Daddy and I she loves us---I will weep like I will, most definitely, on the day they present her to me and she becomes my child. Officially.

ok... I think I can do this...

Bring her on! I'm ready to receive my daughter into my arms, into my life, and most of all, into my heart.

Julia, it's time for you to come home! I'm ready for you now!

I'm not about to become a mom... I AM a mom. Delightfully so.... :-)